Karma's a Bitch* #26

Saif’s P.O.V

I woke up late to the sound of Salama’s voice calling me. I was totally exhausted. The whole day with Shamma had kept eating at me, making sleep impossible to find. I had tossed and turned all night, finally giving up and watching some lame old late movie on t.v. until I dozed off near dawn.

I knew I'd pretty much acted like an ass right from the start. tI'd known it while I was doing it. But at the time I'd reasoned that she didn't deserve any special treatment from me. I thought she’d be okay with me kissing her. After all, it was all for attention, right?

I was pretty much lying to myself, though. Mostly I just really wanted to kiss her. Ever since my lips made contact with her skin I'd been completely distracted, wanting a lot more. All that stuff about putting on a show for everyone was me just rationalizing what I really wanted to do, which was for her to be mine.

And then she got pissed, and I got defensive and sarcastic. Then she told me about how she wasn't one of those girls and her reasons for being there were all noble and shit. Every word of it was true, I could tell. That was when I started to feel just a little bit bad about what I'd done, which was entirely new territory for me.

I sat up all night wrestling with this irritating, unfamiliar feeling of guilt, this feeling I couldn't escape that I'd done something wrong, which I didn't like.

The tricky part, though, was that I knew she wanted me too. I didn't imagine what happened. Sure I started it, but she was giving as good as she got. It wasn't like I forced myself on her and assaulted her. Okay, maybe I forced myself on her a little…but she liked it. But I still felt bad about it, which was weird. I guess it was because she was determined to ignore whatever had flared up between us and I pushed her anyway. I could feel something between us spark, but it certainly wasn't love, not on her side, at least. Then I gave her a hard time for it, and I sort of insulted her.

And back to what had flared up between us…What. The. Fuck. Was. That? I had more than my share of experience with girls. In fact, that was a laughable understatement. But I had no frame of reference for what happened last night. That electricity every time I touched her, the way my mind went completely blank when I kissed her and some sort of crazy instinct took over and swamped my senses, it was overwhelming. That kiss shook me to the core…and it was just a kiss. The only parts of her my hands touched was her shoulders and her hair, but that currently ranked as one of the hottest experiences of my life. How fucked up was that? Even now, fifteen hours later, I could still taste her on my tongue, feel her under my hands, feel her hands gripping my hair...

I wondered if it felt that intense for her, too and remembering her responses, the way she hung on to me, I thought that maybe it had. This situation we're in is complicated, and that would just make it infinitely more so. Unlike me, she was able to act based on common sense, to do what was right and not be a slave to her urges. And now I felt like a total asshole, since she was being mature and making responsible choices and I was… not.

Man, I really hated feeling so bad about myself.

I heard Salama calling my name again and I groaned and buried my face in the pillow, trying to avoid her for another few minutes. Why was she even here? She had her own place, but she was almost never there, preferring to torture me instead. Truthfully though, I was sort of glad for her constant presence in my life. It was one of the only things in my life that still felt healthy and good.

"Saif?" She was in my room now.

I pulled my head free of the covers and managed to open one eye. Just a crack. "Shu tbain Salooom?"

"What happened yesterday?"

"Don't ask."

"Uh-oh."

"Uh-oh is right."

"Shu msawy?"

I picked my head up off the pillow and looked at her with both eyes. "Why is it you automatically assume it was me who fucked up?"

She cocked her head to the side and smiled at me. "Saif… come on."

I groaned and flopped back down. "Alright. I fucked up."

"Tell me."

"Salama, this is sort of private."

"Whatever you did, you might as well spit it out."

I flopped over on my back and sighed, staring at the ceiling.
I sort of broke my word to Shamma. I told her that no one should know about this deal between us, but my sister knew about it. I wasn’t able to keep it away from her, so I thought it’d be okay to tell her about what had happened yesterday.

"I sort of…3agait 3mre 3alaiha…twice. And then when she got mad and called me on it I got… mean. And I insulted her. I might have implied that she was a Khalifa-chasing whore."

Salama winced. She lowered herself to sit on the bed next to me and reached out to stroke my hand absently.

"Saif," she said softly, "you know that you're broken, right?"

Well, fuck. Ouch. As if I didn't feel crappy enough. When your adored baby sister, who has looked at you her whole life with nothing but admiration, looks at you with that pitying expression on her face and tells you that you're broken, then you know you've hit rock bottom.

I dragged my hands through my hair roughly and scrubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands.

"But Saif," she amended quickly, "You weren't always broken! I know the good is still there in you! And we can fix you! You can fix you. You just have to try. This situation you're in with Shamma, maybe it is exactly what you need. So reform yourself already! Don't just act like you have! Do it!"

I sighed deeply. She was right. I knew she was right. But I felt so lost. And helpless. And overwhelmed.

"Salama," I said softly, "I don't even know what to do anymore. Ever since mum passed away, I’ve been a total mess. Dad isn’t around anymore and I just have to take care of you guys. I need to. And this thing with Chloe is just so messed up. I don’t even love her bas it’s like I need her for some weird reason. She’s the only one who’s able to hook me up with drug dealers. And sometimes, I think I need that! It’s the only thing that can offer me an escape from reality. It just feels like this heavy, invisible weight is lifted off my shoulders for the time being. Bas at the same time, I want to be with Shamma too. You don’t get it do you?"

I paused for a minute before I cracked up out of the blue. "Shiiit! hahahaha I totally sound like a sissy! Yl3an this shitty, crappy, messed up life of mine.”

She chuckled lightly then her facial expression turned into a serious one. "You used to be that person, used to be. You’re not anymore, okay? If you go back to all that shit, ya wailek! I’m serious Saif, we’re done with that. Stop being pathetic and chasing Chloe. You can't fix everything all at once, so lat7awel. Pick one thing and focus on that. Fix things with Shamma. Do that first."

"Any ideas on how I do that?"

"I'll get to know her, go out with her, maybe go shopping together? Come with me. Talk to her. Apologize and start over."

"You're going shopping with her?" I raised an eyebrow at her.

"Yeah," Salama said, a tad defensively. "I think I’ll like her. A lot. From what I’ve heard about her, she’s a real sweetheart."

"She's fallen into the clutches of the crazed fashion-obsessed psycho! She's doomed!" I joked as I reached out and ruffled her hair.

Salama screeched and slapped my hands away and I laughed, the heavy mood broken for the moment. I felt better that at least I had a plan. Now I just needed to figure out what the hell I was going to say.